False Morality Traps (Post #5 of 8)

So far, I’ve discussed how betraying what we know to be right causes us to deceive ourselves into placing the blame for our wrong choices somewhere else. We seek the collusion of others in living a lie we have fabricated. What makes this so difficult to correct is that we aren’t even aware we are doing it. If we do not correct our thinking and accept responsibility for our choices we begin to see the world through a warped set of lenses. These lenses cause us to see our experiences through a false morality that ensnares us in what many see as an inescapable trap. We think it’s inescapable because we’re convinced someone else holds the key, even though the key has always been in our own pocket. We just refuse to acknowledge it’s there.

In his book, Dr. Warner refers to our self deception and the false morality we create as an attitude of being “in the box”. When we are “in the box” toward someone, we fail to see them as a human being with needs and desires just like us. We see them as objects that must be dealt with and protected against in order to preserve ourselves and what we see as rightfully ours. We must avoid getting caught in the traps others are laying for us for their own self preservation.

These traps present us with contradictions that appear to have no morally correct solutions. It’s not that there isn’t a morally correct solution, it’s just that we can’t see it because we refuse to open our eyes to it. We fall into the trap of thinking that there are only two ways to deal with the dilemma that we are convinced is being caused by someone else. One option is to take the morally superior high road and keep our feelings to ourselves. The other option is to “be honest” with ourselves and the other person and place the blame squarely where we see its origin—on them. Some do it in the “brutally honest” way and others dance around the issue in a “socially acceptable” way so as to not offend the other person while placing the blame on them. In short, we are faced with the choice of being either dishonest or unkind. Whichever we choose, we’re convinced that we can’t be held responsible for the choice.

Another false trap we create is a conflict between duty and desire. We feel it’s our duty to be loving, kind, or to help others, but when someone has offended us our desires betray those duties. “How can I be kind to someone who fails to appreciate me? How can I help someone who is trying to harm my career?” Although our conscience tells us how we should be serving others, we feel it is too great a requirement in light of what the other person has done to us. We feel justified in withholding our help. For those of us who aren’t betraying ourselves there is no conflict between duty and desire. We don’t perceive duty as unnecessarily burdensome and therefore don’t resent it.

When seeing through the lenses of self deception, we find ourselves more concerned with being right than with doing right. We feel we are safely within the bounds of societal compliance when we adhere to society’s moral codes. These moral codes, according to Dr. Warner, “specify what honesty, considerateness, and duty will consist of, with the result that everyone is relieved, if they choose to be, of responsibility for their immoral feelings, as long as they outwardly conform to the rules.” Instead of developing a spiritual sensitivity to our promptings of conscience, we are being “nurtured in the ways of hypocrisy.” Rather than yielding our hearts to our feelings, we become obsessed with following rules that let us off the hook.

Once entrenched in our false morality we feel open to attack and tend to interpret situations accusingly and defensively. We feel insecure because we’re obsessed with ourselves and with the false image we have created for ourselves. We are easily offended and have a heightened fear of rejection. Our insecurities prevent us from freely loving others. We are in bondage and we don’t know why.